What if the Universe had its pants on straight?

Hi Sweet Friend!

There is something so magical about what manifests when you put out into the world what it is that which you desire. I believe in that particular moment, we are asked to cultivate certain things like trust, fluidity, accepting not knowing, patience, compassion, endurance, softness, and a sense of humor. We are also very much invited to step outside of any previous conceived notions that things will occur in a certain way or order. We only know what we know…right? So if we are wishing to bring in something that we haven’t yet experienced, it would only make sense it comes in a different way than the way in which we would expect.  

Just to be clear, things showing up differently than how we expect them to, can mean it’s an opportunity to sit with feelings that don’t feel good, but also to navigate through territory we have not yet explored. I know within my own life, as well as with my clients, the ‘oh, shit!’ meter frequently goes on, we instinctually react, which is very normal.

Think about it: Essentially we have just asked for our bar to be raised in a certain area of our life.  In order for that to occur, it often means we will need to look at certain people, behaviors, and things in our lives to discern if they are serving us and our future, or if they’re holding us back. This can be awfully scary because it may mean letting go of these things that we have relied on, and they may not be part of this next chapter.  To me, this is the universe’s way of saying: “I hear you, are you sure you want this?”

If you do, you will have to create space in order to allow this new thing, person, or pattern into your life.

I recently experienced this in my career. I expressed to the universe that I was ready to take certain aspects of my career to ’the next level.’  I put out some ideas…Ok actually, I put out a shit ton of ideas because that is how I usually operate…just saying.

Simultaneously I asked, ‘May your will be done.’ Meaning, whatever will serve the evolution of my Spirit and this human path in this lifetime, that will be for my Highest good and the greater good. 

What happened?  Well, certain parts of my career started to feel as if they were falling apart at the seams.  Certain people and things started to fall away, I hit a creative wall, and my body started to speak to me in certain ways, where it felt challenging to show up in certain ways. Was there judgement?  You bet!! I started to ask myself limiting questions: Why is this all happening? How can this be happening? I wanted to do what I had done in the past: push, force, do MORE, scramble.  Yet there was this greater part of me that took the reigns. It reminded me to breathe, to put my focus and attention on all that WAS working and flowing so beautifully, the incredible people who were showing up for me in ways I had never really experienced or allowed in before.  I was able to cultivate a deeper sense of trust that it was all happening FOR me.

I began to ask quality questions instead of limiting ones: What if this down time were happening in order for me to prepare for what’s ahead? What if it were happening for me in order to nurture and nourish a new way of being to sustain what is coming? What if it were asking me to BE with all that WAS in the moment and take it in fully? What if this were divinely orchestrated in order for me to resonate at a different frequency, where those the things I wished for resonated?  

For those of you who are more visual and audio learners, check out the VDA Coaching Tune-Up: (video coming soon)

Home Play:

*Take a moment to sit with areas of your life that you perceive aren’t working.  Take note. Was there a time you put out there in some way that you wanted something different?

*If you are perceiving the situation as unfolding as if life is happening TO you, or you feel are now 3 steps behind, consider asking yourself some more quality questions that will support you in moving forward instead of getting back in the same ‘critical mind spiral’.  (Look at the questions I asked to myself above to assist you)

*We all need to experience both certainty (familiarity, security) in life, AND uncertainty (variety, change).  That said, in this time of uncertainty, change and trying on a new way of being, what are you doing to create certainty that is a positive vehicle (something that is good for you, serves you and others)?  For me, strengthening TRUST is my go-to for certainty. TRUST reminds me that the universe has it’s pants on straight. 

Comment below, you are not alone! I would LOVE to hear from you.  Lean in for coaching if you want support in taking your life to the next level: valerie@vdacoaching.com 

With deep and delicious love and respect on this human journey,

Val

I Can’t Believe This Is Happening To Me…

I have a friend who travels with her family three times a year, and I stay at their house to watch their dog, chickens, garden, gecko, guinea pigs, and frog. I love this because, me, the urban girl from New York, gets to play ‘farmer.’ It’s kind of hilarious to me. They had eight chickens and last time, and they told me one was in the garage. I wasn’t able to hear the explanation, so I just tended to everything per usual, giving a little extra love to the chicken in the garage (since everyone needs connection).  

 

Fast forward months later, ‘Farmer Valerie’ was called to duty. They left me a text saying there was only one chicken and he was out in the chicken coup. I didn’t hear further information until a few days later I called my friend to inquire. I was curious as to what happened to the other chickens. He exclaimed to me, ’The chicken that was in the garage was ostracized by the other ones, so we had to separate her.  Then recently, when Boulder had that horrible wind storm, the door of the coup was opened when we came out to feed them, all of the chickens were gone, probably eaten.’  So, the one chicken, that from my human perspective, I felt so sorry for, was actually the survivor.  

Life is fascinating. Just when we think that life is happening to us, and we judge a certain situation as painful, wrong, or even tragic, when we step back, we can find that grace exists. It is easy and common to spiral into chaos and overwhelm when life seems to be happening in a way that is not how we would want it to unfold. It is normal to judge things right and wrong in the world. The thing is, when we do, not only are we usually limiting ourselves of other possibilities that our limited mind hasn’t yet conceived, we are also frequently projecting from a past experience or certain beliefs that don’t necessarily serve us. 

Take a moment to watch to your VDA Coaching Tune Up on another little tale about how this might look and how to perceive life slightly different in order to open to different possibilities: 

 

Home Play:

*How often do you notice you are trying to control the outcome of situations in your life, both on a small and large scale?

*When things don’t turn out the way that you thought they ’should’ or that you wanted them to, what happens? What do you feel? What are your thoughts?  Where do you feel it in your body? And how frequently does this occur in your life?

*Awareness is the first step! When you notice the above more consistently and notice it is causing you more suffering than necessary, consider incorporating the feeling of Trust in your life and practice:

-Pause and take a deep breath, bring attention back into your body. Use your body to be a resource for getting back into the present moment.  

-Tap on your sternum and say internally or externally one or more of the following mantras: ‘Everything is unfolding perfectly,’ ‘Life is happening for me,’ ‘I am never given anything in life I cannot handle.’

We live in a society where there is a lot we can, or are supposed to ‘control.’ We have access to so much at any moment and we have so much freedom to change what we want.  In addition, we all have a NEED for certainty. That said, it is easy to become excessive in our need for certainty and to get frustrated when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, leaving us feeling out of control, which doesn’t sit well. Here’s the thing, we have very little to NO control of external circumstances, only internal. This is an uphill pursuit, friends.  So how about we propagate the idea and feeling of Trust in our lives more?

At VDA we offer different ways of strengthening this ability, for we feel that internal adversity is one that is so important to become aware of, nourish, and overcome. Launching late spring will be a 3 week course on Understanding Our 6 Human Needs. Stay tuned, for this is an incredible tool to understand and apply in our lives in order to experience greater personal success. Also check out the upcoming workshops and retreats, or contact me personally about one-on-one coaching.

With so much love and deep respect,

Val

Prioritizing Heart and Gut over Mind by VDA Editor Drea Miesnieks

For so much of our lives, what we have learned is to listen to our minds. We are often taught to substitute our innate feelings and perceptions that resonate deep in our guts and minds for the rationale that lives in our minds. While the mind is an incredibly powerful tool, makes a huge part of who we are, how we function, it can also sometimes lead to more confusion.

I like to think back to when we are children. When we were young, clean slates, we didn’t have as many of society’s norms imprinted on our minds. We didn’t judge someone based on money, taste in clothes, etc. There weren’t rules that we completely understood yet. Instead, we knew whether we could trust someone based on our gut, based on our heart. We hadn’t learned what was right and what was wrong, what was good and what was bad just yet. This was soon to come. All of these lessons are essential and make us who we are, help us make daily decisions, help us surround ourselves with the people who support our growth and happiness.  These realizations are not negative ones.

However, in times of confusion, where I truly can’t figure out what I want, what the right decision is, where I should be, where I should go, (…just to name a few), I realize that I’m resorting to my headspace. When we completely look to our minds to make decisions and problem solve, we leave out an essential part of the process: our hearts. I have begun looking for that deep feeling in my gut. One of the best pieces of advice my mom gave me when growing up was to follow my gut. Intuition usually tells me a safe versus risky situation. Intuition usually guides me in telling me what the right decision is.

Sometimes this can be tricky. I may know in my gut or heart that something is not right, that I need to step back and re-evaluate. When I begin getting deeper into my thoughts, I find myself rationalizing why this may be right, why I may not need change, why it’s safer to stay rather than bail. Then my mind flips into a story…telling me I’m making a snap decision that is unfounded. But then…I turn to my gut, I turn to my heart and my core, and I realize that I’m feeling these feelings for a reason. These feelings aren’t going away, but are truly there, and even if I don’t have the words to explain them, nor the thoughts to back them up, I currently perceive them to be truths.

Especially in times of big transition, I find it’s extremely helpful to lean into that intuition, rather than trying to rationale through a situation. Our minds are amazing mechanisms that will search for the solution, weigh both sides, which are extremely helpful tools for decision making. For me, I know there are times where my brain doesn’t know what the right solution is, doesn’t know where the right turn is. That’s when I tune into my heart and gut, and guide from there, rather than from my mind. 

My mind tells me that I should be searching for a long-term career so that when I graduate in May I will be OK…that I will have followed what a college graduate is ‘supposed’ to do. When I start looking at jobs, something in me screams out NO! My heart, and body know that I need time to explore, to grow before rooting into something long-term, in many areas of my life. My gut tells me I need to travel, explore, be on my own, rather than taking a safer, easier, more provided for route that many of my peers are taking. 

I am practicing leaning in to my feelings, rather than my thoughts. I am working on going back to that clean slate, where so much of me was not determined based on the beliefs of society, what was taught to me and demonstrated to me. I’m working on returning to my core, refining my intuition.

Most of the time, when we feel we make clear-headed decisions, we feel this has to be from our minds. Let’s try and make decisions from our heart and core, what we know to FEEL right, rather than what we perceive as right.

Home-Play

  • When feeling lost and confused, try to meditate. Turn your attention to the feelings in your body rather than the temporary thoughts flowing through your mind.
  • Throughout the day, check in to see how your emotional body is feeling, rather than only the mental.
  • If you journal, write down your thoughts as you usually would. Then, tune into your emotions. Tune into your core, how you feel inside rather than what you THINK you should feel. Write these down. Compare the thoughts vs. the feelings and see what resonates more with you.
  • Spend more time with children! We can learn so much from their less-tainted view of the world, of people.

Which Wolf Are You Feeding? We Always Have A Choice...

‘One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on within people. He said, “My Son, the battle is between two wolves inside of us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self­-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.                       

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.                        

The Grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?                        

The Old Cherokee simply replied, “The one that you feed.”

-Cherokee Legend                        

I recently called on a friend and asked him to help me process something, craving a man’s perspective. We met for coffee and he graciously gave space for me to download with him for about 30 minutes before we headed to yoga. He listened attentively as I expressed and unleashed raw emotions. I felt held, seen, and validated.                        

As I landed on my yoga mat, it was as if Pandora’s Box opened in my mind, and I started to witness a plethora of critical thoughts flood in. These were common thoughts, ones that frequently flood my head when I allow myself to be emotional and vulnerable. From my perspective, this is all in attempt for my ego to feed a core wound and deep belief that I am just too much. I then experienced feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety within. Physically I felt a constriction in my breath.                        

In the past, I would have fed the feelings of being too much, and then apologized profusely for the way I dumped on my friend. I had an hour in class to witness and be with those feelings. Instead, I chose to watch them and extend kindness. I internally showed compassion and understanding toward those feelings.                       

‘I hear you... it makes sense you would feel that. Here’s the thing: You are GLORIOUS. You allowed yourself to be expressive, raw, and authentic in what you were feeling. You allowed yourself to be seen and to share concerns that you wanted support on. I love you BECAUSE you can allow yourself to be expressive and real. I love you in your stillness and silence, and I love you in your chaos and your emotion. I love you.                      

I continued to internally override the catabolic thoughts with love, compassion and acceptance. Eventually, I even noticed the corners of my lips turned up in a slight smile toward myself. I also reminded myself that my friend loved me for all that I am. I reminded myself that I am a conscious woman and have chosen to surround myself with people who accept, love and appreciate me for who I am in present time and only want me to be authentically Val in each and every moment.

As I intentionally moved on the mat, breathed deeply, and continued to build this new muscle inside of me, I started to experience ease, peace, and centeredness. These were extremely different emotions than I would have felt in similar past situations.                        

After class, instead of apologizing, I let my friend know how much I appreciated him for being there for me and supporting exactly where I was. His response, ‘Of course.’                       

We have a thought, or a feeling, depending on what comes first in that moment for you. From the feeling, we take an action and get a certain result. If we don’t like our result, most of us just take a different action. However, if that action is supported with the catabolic (negative) thought and/or feeling, we will inevitably get the same or similar result. Ultimately, we are feeding the wolf of fear.                       

Learning to get in front of the thought and draw in different feelings, which in any moment, all feelings are accessible to us, we can retrain our minds and feed the wolf of love and courage.                        

Home Play:

*In the times you are vulnerable and expressive about your emotions, or reach out to someone to process, what story plays in your head about doing that? Is it one that supports you or negates you?                       

*In those moments of authentic expression, what are your internal thoughts toward yourself? What feelings run through you? It’s so important to be aware of what is behind the action we choose to take.                

*If you notice you are feeding the wolf of fear, what thoughts would you rather have? What feelings would you rather have? Practice drawing in something different and learn to feed the Wolf of Love. This may be uncomfortable at first and may even feel fake and forced. Yes, it is the whole idea of ‘fake it ’til you make it’: which believe it or not, can be an extremely useful tool.                       

You are not your mind. You are not your feelings. That said, most of us are conditioned to believe our thoughts and feelings without questioning their origins, or if they are true to who we are in present time. If you find that you feed the ‘Fear Wolf’ frequently, you are not alone.

Having support and tools in your back pocket, is like getting a personal trainer if you have been out of shape: someone to hold you accountable, give you new tools, support you in building new muscles, and creating a new lifestyle. That is what a coach can support you with. LEAN IN. You are not alone nor do you have to do this alone.                        

Check out vdacoaching.com and all of the different offerings we have to support you in learning to feed the ‘Love Wolf', in order to experience more joy, healthy connections, and abounding love!                       

With love and deep respect, Val

Expect Great Things

‘Turn Your Expectations Into Appreciation.’ -Tony Robbins

I use a tagline frequently with VDA Coaching: 'Expect Great Things.’ I see and understand the value of this, and have invited this way of being into my life more consistently over the years. Recently, I started to see where I unconsciously was doing exactly the opposite…I was expecting to suffer.

We live in a time that is so completely full.  Our days are filled with so much to do while time seems to move so quickly. We respond by doing whatever it takes to sustain this pace. This 'filling up’ all of the time leaves us unable to witness certain patterns and behaviors that may not be serving us, where we can easily fall into certain ways of being that are exact opposite of what we desire.  However, because we are moving so fast, we don’t catch it, and then it turns into a habit where it is so deeply engrained in us, we just accept: ‘Well that is who I am!’ or, ‘That’s just the way it is!’ We become a victim of circumstance.  

The gift of spaciousness is an opportunity for self-inquiry.  Why am I choosing to do that? Say that? Be here? Spend time doing this? Why am I in this job?  Why do I spend time with this person? These kind of questions may not always feel good because we may notice the choice we previously made no longer serves us.  This means change is needed to experience something different.  This change may not feel good because it means we may lose certain things and people that we have grown accustomed to.

A conundrum, yes?  We know it’s not good for us, yet we continue to do it anyway because it’s easier to just leave it as it is and not ruffle any feathers. Moreover, there is WAY too much uncertainty as to what may be on the other side, and THAT will leave us feeling out of control.

Take a moment to watch this VDA Coaching Tune-Up on a pattern I noticed, where I continued to draw in more personal suffering, and how I began the process of how to show up differently:

I hear myself internally repeating a Marianne Williamson statement regularly,

"Your level of thinking is what got you here. You’re the problem, you’re not the solution."

So, what do we do when we hold a firm belief that something is true: ‘This is how it always is. Or, I am not good at this.’  Most people make that belief a part of them and blame themselves, someone else, or external circumstances.

So what do you do if you are terrified of change AND are aware you only know one way of being in this circumstance? You lean in. You pray, you ask for help, you get out of the way. We are so limited by our boxed minds. We are operating off of past experiences and our beliefs… and those are limited. The universe is infinite and there are limitless possibilities available to us in all moments!

Home Play:

First: It’s imperative to create space for guidance to come through. What does that look like? Some suggestions: Intentionally move slower through periods of your day, like making breakfast in the morning, or while in the grocery store, open yourself up to noticing something different. Go out in silence for a walk and just be in nature or with what is. Pause and take a few breaths, just witnessing your breath going in and out.

There are many ways to simply invite space in. Over time, this can become a new habit. In this space, you are opening to something greater than just your own thoughts and patterns.

Second: When you notice yourself spiraling down thoughts of expecting the worst, pause, take a breath and invite in the possibility that there is something else here. Even though you don’t know what that something is, because you have perhaps never seen anything different, allow yourself to be open to the possibility.

Third: Congratulate yourself for noticing that pattern.  Automatically, many of us will beat the crap out of ourselves for ‘going there.’  Question for you, ‘How does that pattern support the idea of expecting great things?’  Celebrate the ‘mini successes’ (which is actually HUGE), and instead acknowledge that you interrupted a harmful pattern. That is where it all begins; awareness is the first step.

Fourth: You must have a belief in something greater than you. A force that exists in and outside of you that is always preset.  It’s this glorious energy that turned an embryo into a baby, that makes your heart beat, that turns an acorn into a tree.  Whether you believe in God, Spirit, Angels, whatever it is, allow yourself to open to that energy. An example of what I say internally or externally:

‘Dear God, I have NO idea what to do at this moment to experience joy,pleasure and abundance in this area, please show me the way. Thank you’.  

Then I EXPECT I will be shown the way. This can be centered around having the belief that you are not good with money, in relationships, with health or having the physique you wish to have, parenting…ANY area of your life where you feel you are experiencing something other than what you desire.

Please note, again, we are living in an instantaneous society, so we often want things to have happened yesterday. Yes, things can happen in any moment. Remember, you have strong beliefs and habits that are so engrained and are your default. Allowing yourself TIME to notice the signs, to implement them, and build this new way of being is so important. In addition, allowing the universe TIME to show you the path in subtle ways. The minute we expect it to show up in the way WE think it should, we are potentially in conflict with the greater plan of Spirit. Again, we only know what we know, so let’s get out of the way, shall we?

So my friends, expect great things!  You deserve and are wired for greatness. Not because of anything you are doing, just because you are you.  You are so much more than your physical body, your mind, your feelings, your career, your stuff. You are a glorious, infinite Spirit who is a gift to this world. Thank you for being you! Lean in for support on the physical realm at Vdacoaching.com if you would like coaching. We are here to support you living a thriving, pleasure-FULL life!!

With deep love and respect,

Val

What do you do when your partner is 'going through it'

'The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.’ Thomas Merton

vdacoaching

We all have a history, a background with certain experiences, traumas, and beliefs, influencing who we are in the present moment. Therefore, it makes sense that many of us would focus on what’s not working, especially in the American society, where we are very much conditioned to do so.  In those moments when we are ‘going through it’, we are experiencing the ebb of life, where in other times, we are in the flow. The flow is when we feel we are on top of the wave; things are easily falling into place.  Other times, we feel we just got pummeled or lost in the undercurrent.  As humans, no one is exempt from the ebb. We are either reacting or responding to it.

Reacting = Suffering.  Responding = Possibility.

What does that mean?

When someone confronts challenges in their life, they subconsciously choose to either react: Create a negative meaning, getting defensive, or take what the other person is saying or experiencing personally, as if it is their problem or fault. We also have the option to respond: Witness, step back, and allow that person to experience what they are experiencing without feeling the need to fix it, change it, or DO something about it. The choice between the two can set the emotional tone for the relationship.

When we take this one step further into intimate relationships, emotions may run even higher. Why? We have invested in a union and have allowed ourselves to be much more open and vulnerable than we had normally been.  When two people choose to be in that place of vulnerability, their unconscious racket/story can still be playing in the background.

Unconscious is the key word here.  We are operating 90% of the time from our unconscious mind. Therefore, when we are in situations that are challenging or bring up anything that may trigger a wound from our past, we can unconsciously play out a pattern that doesn’t necessarily serve us.

In those moments, if we come back to taking responsibility for our own limiting stories creeping in, it opens the door for potential.  This creates space for something new to manifest. It does not mean the other person will be able to arrive where you are or that they will go through the situation in the same way you did. It allows us to learn a new, more proactive way of being our own individual self, while offering compassion toward the other who is experiencing the ebb.

What IF there was nothing to fix, change, or improve?  OY!!! What would be the point???

And this, my friends, is why it is about a practice and not about perfecting something.  If you think you will perfect it, especially after you have been playing out a very different, negative, reactive pattern for a large or recent portion of your life, your expectations may prove too lofty.

 

Home Play:

What would it take to set yourself up for success?  Consider implementing this Home Play and getting curious:

* Self-care is huge!  What are you doing to build your own connection with self?  This will support when you, or others around you, are in the ebb. Not to mention the myriad of other benefits!

* Begin to notice what happens within relationships, especially the people closest to you.  How often do you want to make them be someplace they are not?

* If you notice that you frequently are in a place of judgment or fixing within relationships, get curious about your own judgment toward yourself.  If you notice you have a constant inner critic, you may be projecting on another because you don’t like it about yourself. (Totally common and the reason why the first question is paramount). In that moment, consider what compassion toward yourself would look like.

Example-You can walk away and state, ‘I love you, and right now I feel like I am going into my own story and making you and this situation wrong. I am going to take a little time to be with myself and I would love to return to this later. I love you, I will be back, and really want to fully support you.’ Hard to do…but it creates space that is often necessary and revolutionary for your relationship!

This is a BIG topic, and just the tip of the iceberg.  That said, if you would like more support in showing up grounded and centered within relationships, despite the ebb, lean in!  Reach out for a 15 minute consultation to see if one-on-one coaching is for you.  You can also check out all of our incredible offerings at VDA Coaching.  

If you are interested in joining Sister Queen, we are opening up 2 more spots.  Although we began on Monday, you CAN still join.  Reach out to me directly at valerie@vdacoaching.com if you are interested, serious and ready to cultivate a deeper love, connection, and commitment with yourself!

With so much love and respect,

Val

When did we equate vulnerability with being unattractive?

As I consciously navigate through this new relationship, I have countless opportunities to witness the stories and deep patterns within myself.  I am actually fascinated by it all, especially the times I am able to respond from my Highest Self, more respectful of Kevin’s wants and needs, instead of reacting from my wounds. 

I began to realize my perception and belief of this ‘way of being’ equated it to: I am messy, needy, too emotional, too much, crazy and unattractive.  How’s that for self-love? Yikes!

When did we equate vulnerability with unattractive?  

Let me paint the picture… An important thing to note is an abandonment wound, which is common among people due to different experiences in life.  The way in which my life unfolded was with a father who left at two-years-old, a struggling single mom who used different negative vehicles to check out in order to deal with the constant pain she experienced in life, and a sister who wanted nothing to do with me.

The unconscious story that runs through me when it is triggered is: I am unworthy of being loved, one many people share in common. As I grew older, to follow suit and keep that self-harming story alive, I would choose men who were unavailable in some way.  In addition, time and time again, I would abandon myself by turning to alcohol, and then to men in my late teens, and later in my late twenties, over-working, over-exercising, and over-doing.

I continue to infiltrate myself with self-love tools, practicing and implementing them daily. Over time, I have witnessed new patterns of love, kindness and compassion toward myself. In turn, I have been inviting others in my life that reflect that  (Ahhh yes, like attracts like energy).

In having chosen to be single for the year before I met Kevin, I realize practicing alone was much ‘easier,’ meaning, no one who I loved, opened my heart to intimately, and allowed to see all of me, was around on a regular basis.  When I was single, I consistently practiced building this self-love muscle with friends and myself.  I reached a sense of deeper self-trust and acceptance I had not yet experienced in this lifetime. (Here’s when I do a little happy dance, for there is SO much importance in seeing how far we have come). 

Take a moment to watch the Connection Coach Tune-Up, where I explain my experience of the natural feelings that came up for me while allowing myself to open fully to someone, and have ALL of me visible. In this video, I speak about the rawness, the fear and my habitual tendencies to make myself really wrong, and then begin to choose different ways of being within the relationship.

Home Play:

What are your beliefs around being vulnerable, emotional, and having certain personal needs within a relationship? 

When you experience feelings of fear, shame, loss, grief, abandonment, or any other catabolic (negative) emotions, how wrong do you make yourself on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being TOTALLY flawed)?

If you noticed there is the perception of being wrong, how do you express harshness to yourself?  Where is your focus? 

If you can relate on any level, whether you have shown up in a similar way or have experienced the receiving end, you are not alone. First, we are not taught how to be with our emotions and we are also taught that if we don’t show up in a certain light we are wrong.  We are learning more and more, that whatever energy we are experiencing externally or internally is what vibrates out into the world.  We are also learning that catabolic (negative energy) can lead to toxicity. Therefore, there is a huge price when we experience it (Internally or externally) over an extended period of time or frequently. 

This is a call toward self-love and tenderness. It’s time to love ourselves even when the wounds surface within relationship, when we feel emotional.  Uncertain of the how?  Lean in!  I feel extremely passionate around supporting people in navigating deep self-love and acceptance, so they can have thriving, fulfilling relationships.  Reach out for a 15-minute consult. You can also sign up NOW for the Sister Queen 12-week series we are offering beginning February 16th. There are only a few spots left, and it is going to be an amazing journey.  

I see you, I see your love and your beauty, even in the pain and fear. You are worthy. Know that.

With deep love and respect,

Val


How To Create An Incredible Relationship Through Authentic Surrendering

’The journey to enlightenment involves shedding, not collecting.  It’s a continual process of opening and surrender, like taking off layer after layer of clothes, until we’re completely naked with nothing to hide. But we can’t just pretend, making a big display of disrobing, then putting everything back on when no one’s looking.  Our surrender has to be genuine.’ ~Pema Chodron

For a long time I put out into the universe what I perceived I wanted in a partner. Along the way, as I became more intimately connected with myself and as I evolved, those desires became clearer.  At 41, having never been married, some people might look at my life and see it as if something was ‘wrong’. I can understand that, as it may differ from how a number of people operate.

In December 2014 I made a decision to be single for a while.  I had never truly been single for an extended period time…well actually, I couldn’t even remember the last time I was single for an extended period of time.  In my time as ‘officially single,’ I got even more clarity on what it was I wanted in a partner, peeling back more and more layers, seeing the areas where I had lowered the bar due to old beliefs that I didn’t deserve to be with a certain type of man.  In addition, I began to truly understand it wasn’t about finding a certain man, it was about becoming the kind of woman that would attract, honor and cherish the partner that I desired to share my life with. Furthermore, I fully accepted that I truly loved my life, while admitting and honoring simultaneously, ‘I am a relationship person!’ Could I spend the rest of my life single and be joyous and grateful?  I settled into an authentic ‘YES,’ feeling more trust than I had ever experienced. I also honored that I wanted to be in relationship, because for me, that is one of the greatest and most challenging gifts of being human, and a significant part of what I have devoted my life’s work to.

As I got more clear and became more loving and accepting of myself, the universe began to put certain men in front of me who embodied more and more of what I desired. Each time they walked in, I had the opportunity to practice living in what I consider ’The Divine Feminine.’ I practiced receiving their attention and adoration, something that I can’t say I had fully invited in before. I practiced accepting their ‘masculine way’ of showing up; without judging it, labeling it as wrong, trying to fix it, or engaging with it more masculine energy. I didn’t instantly fall in love with their potential,  instead I witnessed the ‘who they were in present time,' and practiced holding space for them AS they were. I began allowing myself to be lead; to be open, sensual, and graceful. These were things I hadn’t ever really embodied and with some of them, I hadn’t even dipped my toe in. I believed that if I did, I would lose myself.

Here’s a glimpse of where I previously usually operated from within relationships…I am curious if any of you can relate either on the giving or receiving end:  

I felt terrified of fully unveiling all of myself or letting my guard down. I would keep my ‘blinders on,’ only seeing what I wanted to see in him, and dismiss the areas where I didn’t have my needs met or the pieces that really didn’t ‘fit.’ Due to that, I decided ‘he will change', essentially falling in love with a guy’s potential, or my vision of that potential.  I wouldn’t express my full needs and then project or make him wrong because he wasn’t reading my mind. The times where I did speak to my needs, I would make him wrong for not meeting them in the way that I wanted. If there was any distance at all (which I know is necessary and healthy), I would give power to my monkey mind and feed the feeling of abandonment or the story that he didn’t love me anymore, instead of learning to be with myself. This would result in me either pushing him away or gripping him tighter.  

During this period where I had vowed to be single, I learned more about what I really desired in relationship.  While I was in Fiji in May, I met a man who was wonderful.  He showed me how important it was to me to feel honored, adored, and respected; qualities I had craved, yet hadn’t experienced.  In late summer, I met another wonderful man who helped me realize how much I appreciate play, spontaneity, a sense of adventure, emotional vulnerability, and authenticity.  I began practicing a new way of being with these self realizations. They are wonderful men and yes, there was so much that did work.  Although they both adored me and saw that I was much of what they wanted, it didn’t feel right.  In the past I would have tried to make it fit.  Instead, I trusted. I came to a deep understanding and acceptance that neither one was my guy and this was NOT a reflection of me not being good enough, lovable enough, pretty enough, smart enough. It just wasn’t my guy and I gave myself space to move the energy, to feel sad, to feel the loss of possibility.  I stayed with myself. I let myself feel all of it AND I chose to hold onto my dream; my desire of the man I had faith would one day come.  

Interestingly, whenever I would share what I wanted in a partner to people, a majority of the time I would get the response, ‘You should really consider taking things off of that list.’ Or…’You will not find a man who has all of that.’ Or…’That seems a bit ‘high,’ no?’  I heard all of that and committed to the beliefs I chose to take on when I was younger, ‘If I can imagine it, then it is possible. AND, if I exist, that means in all of the billions of people in this world, there must be a man who can meet me, share the lead, and we can grow together.’

In committing to my desires in a partner and for myself, and through more practicing of authentically surrendering and accepting myself, as well as trusting the unfoldment of my life; my man, my soul mate, found me.  Enter Kevin.

My intention of sharing this story with you, and the stories to come of the evolution of my relationship with Kevin, is to hopefully support you. (This applies to potentially most all relationships, not just intimate love relationships).  Relationships are a mirror for us to see aspects of ourselves where there is opportunity for healing. As Kevin and I see it, we are reprogramming ourselves to fully accept the Truth that we are worthy of having a thriving, loving, and beautiful relationship.  The journey within relationships is not always easy and something a majority of us were not taught how to do. In addition, we didn’t have healthy role models leading the way. Not that they were bad or wrong, mostly they just didn’t have the resources. 

My wish is to offer you support as you navigate through the relationships in your life, by offering you the tools I have collected for over 20 years of studying relationships, as well as learning from the choices I made that did NOT serve me. Kevin and I will be raw, transparent and vulnerable as we share with you our evolution. We believe these are key ingredients to creating outstanding relationships.  Please feel free to comment, share, and reach out to us!

Here’s to YOU having thriving, joyous, fueling relationships in life!

With deep love and respect,

Val

 

What is Your Core Essence?

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For so many decades now, many women, or people who identify with a feminine, have been operating from more masculine energy. This shows up as more logical, action oriented, and the ‘doer’ mentality. Within relation to men (or people with a more masculine core), this leaves them not knowing their footing. In response to overly excessive masculine energy in a woman, one of two things occurs: Men either responsively show up as passive, with little to no action, or as competitive.   

A key ingredient for a successful and balanced relationship is to have polarity between the two. So if one is showing up masculine and the other is as well, eventually this will cause so much friction that it would cause deep-rooted issues over time. Or, if both are showing up as feminine, passion can begin to dissipate.  

As a coach and a woman, I have witnessed so many women, including myself, who have operated from the more masculine stance in ALL areas of life, left feeling exhausted, frustrated, and even physically sick.  However, what do you do when this is what you have been exposed to by other women throughout your entire life? Just to note, these women were not wrong, it was all they knew because it was what THEY were taught.  

This is not a time to blame or to take the victim stance. This is a time to lean in and be receptive to what the healthy feminine is.  I believe that honoring and nurturing the core essence of who you are, be it masculine or feminine, is what can support this planet in healing, as it will bring the energies into more balance, more harmony.

The time of competing with one another as women is over. The time of over pushing, over doing, over achieving in ALL areas of your life is not working anymore. 

Masculine and Feminine energies exist in all of us, and we have one that is at our core, the essence of who we are.  My core is feminine, and I have used a masculine mask for many years of my life unconsciously as a survival mechanism.  For a few years now, I have been committed to feeling out the feminine energy, embracing and embodying it. This is not a list to check off or a black and white way of being, but a moment-to -moment experience.  There is a surrendering that is necessary, a softening, and when you have existed on a spectrum of the opposite for so long, surrendering and softening aren’t necessarily in your vocabulary. 

Therefore, what we get to practice is leaning in.  Leaning into the support of our sisters and brothers to discover and uncover our own glorious Divine self and live from that place.  Coming together in community to honor and draw out that magnetic, sensual and creative energy is one of the keys in unleashing the Queen that has been dormant inside of many of us. This is my passion and so much of why I am here in this lifetime.  

Whether you are a man or a woman, I support you in honoring the core essence of your feminine Truth, and unabashedly allowing it to shine in the world. 

With love and deep respect, 

Val

 

Are You Addicted to Knowing the How?

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I notice, when we are more left brain oriented, or more logical, there is the deep need to know HOW things are going to unfold. I recently was with a client, and he, like many many other people in the world, LOVES and desires to know how to make something happen. In adding, he is a man. Males often search for solutions. When they hear or see something they want to know the point of it AND to fully understand it. They may ask, ’How do I fix it, change it, do it, etc’. These are problem solving qualities.

When he and I were speaking, I started to get curious about a certain pattern that may be causing suffering, and obstructing him from experiencing ultimate joy and ease.  A light bulb went off when he saw this pattern and got so excited about shifting it.  ‘HOW?!  How do I do this?!!’  His enthusiasm was infectious and it was a joy to witness his breakthrough in that moment.

Can anything manifest in an instant? Yes, no doubt. I would never want to limit you with something invented by humans, known as time, saying that it will take you X amount of time in order to do, be, or get something. That stated, in order to experience a shift and knowing of something, we must fully embody it. This means we must fully trust and accept all that is possible.  When we get stuck on the how, this puts ourselves in the way of fully embracing the possibilities.

Can you relate? Know someone who can? Feeling stuck here?  Take just a moment to watch this short clip on how I navigated this with my client and he started to understand that we are not always in charge of the how.



Home Play:
*Consider becoming aware of how important it is for you to want to quickly know HOW to change, shift, or be something.

*If you discovered that you have a strong desire to know the HOW and know it NOW, ask yourself these few questions:


       **What if I wasn’t in charge of the how?
       **What if the answer was to be revealed to me in its own time, space and sequence?
       **What if there was no place to get, no end destination??
       **On a scale of 1-10, how important is getting it ‘right’, to you?

I know, this is heavy stuff.  The first step is awareness. Once you become aware of your pattern or even addiction to knowing the how, you can see how it MAY be getting in the way of manifesting what it is you TRULY desire.

Want some support? We are here for you!  Reach out for a 15 minute consult to discover if coaching with VDA would be a positive tool for you.  Also, check out all of the incredible offerings we have for supporting you on your journey in creating your desired destiny!

We would like to offer a special for the first 10 people who are serious about bringing their desires into fruition this year.  Receive a 1-Hour Coaching Session with me for only $100!  ($250 value) Secure Your Spot

With deep love and respect,
Val