'Uprooting' Journal Entry Part 1

Namaste Sweet Friend, 

In preparation for my move, which I only decided about a month ago, a lot went down in a short amount of time. I was gone for 2 weeks prior to the move, leaving me 6 days to pack up, tie up loose ends, and hit the road. Not only am I moving across the states - 5 days after I arrive in Chicago I pick up and head to London for 3 days, India for 3 weeks, and then back to Colorado to pick my pup up, and then I return to Chicago after. Yes, I understand this was all choice, and although there is a method to the perceived madness (like wanting to drive out before the weather turns and get settled before the holiday), all of that said, it lends to potential chaos. 

The brilliant thing is, I am witnessing my ego take the reins in clever ways I was not privy to until last night driving home coming down rabbit ears pass, looking over the glorious Steamboat valley. I felt nostalgic, I felt grateful, I felt sad, I felt a lot.  

I got a hit, for me, which sometimes comes in the form of a voice. It was this ‘ah-ha’ moment for how I have been sabotaging, upper limiting, and essentially disconnecting.  

I have been navigating a cold that has been lingering for over a week now. I have cancelled three different activity plans to meet up and ‘say goodbye’ to friends here. I have not had the energy or felt good enough to go out and meet up with people, to have quality time before I leave. In addition, I have not been able to work out, which being the extremely active person I am, has triggered some body stuff (small triggers compared to the past, yet still there). 

This in turn keeps me disconnected from myself.  As I looked at this, the voice said, ‘It makes sense, my love. You were conditioned so young that to feel so much emotion wasn’t safe, it was scary, it was too much. So you learned ways in which to cope and filter. Getting sick and focusing on your body are ways in which you keep distant from others and yourself so you don’t have to feel so much and be present with the sadness and grief. There is a belief that this disconnection from self and others keeps you sheltered from the overwhelming catabolic feelings of emotion.’

Oh-My-GOSH! Wow! What I discerned in that moment is that story is not true. In creating these instances, not only am I not safe, I am not feeling how I want to feel, which are emotions of connection and love. Instead I am feeling isolated, alone, defeated, and shitty. I paused, looked up at the gorgeous sky, the waxing moon, just days away from the full moon, and felt grateful.  

Then I prayed: 'Thank you for showing me the ways in which I protect myself and that they are not serving me. On this evening, I offer this up to you. I surrender. I am not consciously certain of how to move forward and I remember I am not in charge of the how. I trust you will guide me. May I be receptive to the guidance showing me how to feel my feelings fully in ways where I experience a healthy connection with myself and with others in order to feel the way I want to feel. Thank you.’

So yes, are the other lessons here? ABSOLUTELY.  Some to note are: To hit the pause button in moments where life moves fast, to check in with all aspects of myself and get clear on the where I am in present time, what wisdom those parts of me may be revealing. (Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual bodies).  To witness ALL of the incredible gifts that are unfolding while I am also experiencing challenges.  AND… it was a bit more than that.  

With Deep Love & Respect,

Valerie