Daddy's Little Disappointing Girl

Namaste Sweet Spirits,

I figure it's pretty appropriate to continue the topic of family as we approach the holiday season and follow my prior blog pertaining to my mother's visit.  I just arrived in India to lead my 9th retreat, and before I headed out, I called my father to say goodbye.

The way a typical conversation with my father goes is, "Hi dad, how are you?"  "Hi Val.  How are you? How is your business?  Are you making money? Are you staying out of debt?"  Yep, that's my dad. 

My dad has had the same job since he was 19 years old, until he retired in his late 50's.  Since I had been born when he was 22, I think he had moved only 3 times, didn't travel much until after he retired, and pretty much sticks to what he knows and what is comfortable. He is the eldest of 3 children and the only son of a 100% Italian family. Needless to say, he was the 'prince' in the family and could do no wrong. My dad is a strong, loving, joyous man. He knows what he likes, isn't afraid to say what he thinks, and truly feels that he is always right. 

Having me as a daughter, an entrepreneur, who travels all over the world, and having moved probably the amount equating to half my age, he doesn't quite understand me. Business and money are often a point of contention with us. I make a conscious effort before I call him to make sure I am in a 'strong and happy place'. In doing so, the odds are stacked in my favor that we won't get into an argument.  It's not that I won't necessarily get triggered, it is that I am in a more grounded place to not take things so personally. 

I began to fill him in about my business, how we are rebranding, and I am taking it to the next level, which means potentially reinvesting financially. All hell broke loose.  For 10 minutes he lectured me about how stupid that is, how it sounds like many mistakes I have made in the past, and how he is tired of watching me fail.  Ahhh yes, just the things you want to hear from your father.

My father still sees me as the 21 year old who got involved in a multi level market company where I opened an office, and 'lost my shirt' in the process.  It's more than that, and yes, there have been many reasons for my father to perceive certain choices I have made as failures, no doubt.  It just doesn't feel so good when one of the people I have wanted so badly to be proud of me, only sees me as a child who constantly gets it wrong. 

So why am I sharing this?  Because I know I am not alone.  As we approach the holiday season, not only do we see relatives, deep triggers may also come up from childhood experiences that reinforce ways of being many of us have worked so hard to heal.

A perspective that helps me, that I lean into frequently, is not only that I chose my parents, I chose them because they are to challenge me so that I step even more intomy Truth, regardless of whether or not I have their approval. 

Sounds painful, yes? Perhaps. I also choose to believe that I chose it because I can handle it, because I am ready for it, and because it is what is necessary for my Spirit's evolution.  Is this necessarily Truth with a capital T?  No. It is my truth though, because I have taken it in as a belief in order to help me enjoy my journey here on earth school. Otherwise, I am left with the perspective of, "I suck, I am an outcast of my family, and I am not lovable because they don't see my worth."

So I have choices. Some are: I can hear what my father says and believe that I am a failure. I can sit here and be so pissed and make him wrong, putting all of my energy toward being angry with him. I can also thank him for his opinion, really take in what he has to say and appreciate his wisdom, and choose to agree to disagree. From that point, get back on my horse, and proceed in the direction of my choice, while honoring his point of view. There are a myriad of other choices as well.

To be honest, this past time, I did a little dance between the three. I wasn't entirely grounded and centered when I spoke to him, already feeling a little sad. Needless to say, I was triggered a little more, which lead me to this dance.  After the call, the first thing I did was call my coach, to process it verbally, as I know that is what helps me to feel grounded. Then I moved my body, went on a hike, and allowed the energy to move through me.  Later, I journaled about it, and processed it a bit more with another friend. 

It is a process, a journey, and some of the things we experience touch on wounds that are so deep, they may never entirely heal. I am committed to learning to love myself even with those wounds and triggers.

Home Play

*Know what triggers you:
As we enter into the holiday season, become aware of the people and things that may trigger you. This is not to put on armor and be on the defense, per say. Think of it as a way honoring yourself, like taking a child and holding her close to you when she feels a little scared. When we are conscious of the things which may potentially hit certain wounds, we can learn to be with those wounds from a more compassionate stance.

*If you notice you do get triggered, how can you see if from a Spirit perspective?  What if they are showing up that way for you? What would you have to believe in order for that to be true?

*If you can't shift your perspective right then and there, consider giving it some space. Either physically walk away or ask them if you can call them back. When we don't allow for space, we habitually tend to react, which in turn often causes more of a defensive reaction from them. 

Struggling in preparation for the holiday season? You are not alone.  Having someone to process things with is extremely beneficial.  Lean in!!  Contact me about coaching and get someone on your team so you CAN breakthrough old patterns and move forward with potentially more ease, acceptance, and love.

Live from your Spirit, Love your life,