What the HECK is Unconditional Love Anyways???

Namaste Sweet Friends,

I am learning what unconditional love is, and it is blowing my socks off (I will explain more as to why I feel that way in a bit). I believe most of us were taught conditional love, meaning, I love you when you show up like this and do as I want you to. Otherwise, you are not worthy of my love because I perceive you as wrong or not good enough. This all makes sense because that is what our parents were taught and what they received as children. This is no fault to anyone, it is just, like anything, what happens when fear wins over love.

One thing that perpetuates conditional love in relationship (any kind of relationship), is we each show up with different deep core wounds. Some examples would be: not being worthy enough, not being smart enough, being fundamentally flawed etc. So we compensate as we go through life.

Let's say you have a deep wound of abandonment. You have walked through life emotionally abandoning yourself through things like food, alcohol, sexual partners, work (if you read my most recent blog, "A Shift In Perception", you will get an example of my own personal tendencies). In turn, when you have been in relationship, whenever your partner, or friend, or anyone really, would not be emotionally available to you for whatever reason, you would play out 'your role'. That could be push and fight, freeze and shut down, or get the heck outta there and run (as well as a myriad of different manifestations). 

Now let's say you were in a relationship with someone who only thought that if they showed up kind, in a good mood, compassionate, and giving, then they were considered 'good'. Because, just as most of us, they too were exhibiting conditional love toward themselves.  The thing is they are human. So what about when they show up sad, frustrated, tired, ornery?  They would most likely feel so much guilt, beat the shit out of themselves for showing up that way, not feel worthy or good enough. 

This could manifest as emotionally detaching from you and 'checking out', conflict, again a plethora of possibilities. In turn, if you were taught to love conditionally, as well as having your abandonment wound, you would play out your role and feel that they had left you and make them wrong for reacting the way they were.  Hmmm....so now, they don't feel safe in being who and where they are.  You don't feel safe in being who and where you are.  OYE! Disaster.  And as far as I am concerned, we do this ALL THE TIME as humans. 

What I am starting to learn is the more that I meet myself, am emotionally available for myself, honor who I am, where I am, and give myself quality time and space to BE, the more unconditional love I begin to experience toward myself.  My love is not based on what I have done that day, the money in my bank account, how pretty I am, how strong I feel in my body, how nice I am, or how good of a speech I gave. My love toward myself is just because I am me.  In each moment. 

For twenty years I have been voraciously studying about self love and acceptance, and at 40, I feel like I just peeled back another layer of the onion. Why I said it is blowing my socks off is because within my relationships, I am seeing that the other person can play out whatever 'story' they are in, and I STILL love them. I am NOT going anywhere. Their story does not effect my love for them. Actually, I recognize that most often, it doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with me. What a frickin revelation!!  It's all because I am learning to unconditionally love me.

Home Play:

1. We all have our 'go to' when our wounds play out.  Mine is I push, force, and fight and then I get the F*%K outta there! 
*What is your way you 'play out your wound'?

2. Becoming aware of how we play out our wounds is instrumental in the healing process.  It's imperative to know so that you can begin to meet yourself there.  You see, in that moment, consciously or unconsciously, we are waiting for someone to see us 'crying for help', and we may end up waiting forever because they are getting so triggered by us.  SO, we learn to be with ourselves.
*In the moment you notice yourself playing out your wounds, what are 3 things you can do to show yourself love and acceptance to let yourself know, 'Hey, I see you as you are, I still love you, and I am not going anywhere."

3. Each day, consider giving yourself a little quality time to really BE with yourself.  To begin to learn that you are lovable just as you are. This can be journaling, a walk by yourself having an internal dialogue around your awesomeness, singing and making up a song to yourself about all of the great things you are, dancing around your living room, whatever.  Just begin to practice BEING with you.
 

If you are feeling resistance, if you are hearing, 'Whatever! I don't have time for this shit.' or, 'This chick is out to lunch.  That's just nuts!'  You are NOT alone.  SO many of us were taught to be so kind, loving, and available to those around us.  When we do this and expect the same back from others, and for whatever reason they are incapable of doing it toward us, our wounds get triggered. And because our own 'love tank' is empty since we haven't recharged it, we fall flat on our faces. 

Want support??  Shoot me an email and let's set you up with a 20 minute consultation to speak about how having a coach can support you in letting go of the old ways of being that hold you back from loving yourself unconditionally.

You are worth it, and it's about time that you, on a visceral level, KNOW that.

Live from your Spirit, Love your life,

Valerie