Peeling Back The Self Love Onion

Hello Sweet Spirits,

My mother came from New York recently to watch my sister's three boys. Thankfully, I was able to spend some time with them. My mother is not the most affectionate woman, and shows her love very different than me. Neither is right or wrong, they are just a different way of expressing love. 

I have finally learned at 40 to let go of any expectations that my mother would all of a sudden turn on the 'love faucet' and shower me with a kind of love I would give as a mother. That’s not how she rolls. As far as I am concerned, she loves perfectly for her. Now, was that easy to experience growing up? Heck no!!  And I made her wrong constantly for it, and I will get to all of that in a second. Let me set the scene.

When I went to meet my mother and the boys, my mom was pretty exhausted, as she had already been with them by herself for 2 days.  It was nice. We played a little corn hole, and had our traditional Target run which is always a hit or miss as to whether it is a disaster or actually fun for everyone. This time it was a hit, however on our way home, I noticed my mother had a glazed look across her face, her lips were turned slightly down, and the energy emanating from her felt tired and sad. I checked in.  She responded with “I am just tired and my hip hurts”. 

A little about my mother: My mother is one of the most mentally strong women I know.  She, like many others in the world, lives life in the defense. She gives and gives at her expense to so many people, and then gets so depleted, leaving her frequently exhausted. Her beliefs are that “Life is hard. You have to take care of yourself, because no one else will”. Again, my mother is incredible. These are just conditioned things that she learned as a child and she has not upgraded her computer, or learned that there can be a different way.

Our beliefs create a significant amount of our realities, therefore, as you can imagine, my mother lives a life where she doesn't feel so good. Consistent emotions that show up in her life are exhaustion, frustration, worry, overwhelm, judgment, and victim. In addition, I believe due partly to those consistent catabolic emotions, her body is consistently breaking down. My mother has never been one to be physically affectionate toward me, or anyone for that matter. When I lean in to kiss her, she turns her head so far to the side and cranks her neck, that I am curious if that has anything to do with her sore neck and shoulders. 

I have learned and have chosen to accept over time, the belief that my mother is not broken. My mother is exactly where she is to be for her journey. This is more challenging for me to practice when I am in front of her, because I want her to feel more joy in life, and less pain.

So, getting back to the weekend. When we returned home, she was getting frustrated with the kids, then totally annoyed. She was also having difficulty printing her boarding pass, and I could see the frustration building in her.  Tears welded up in her eyes, and God forbid they came out.  I turned to her, acknowledged and validated her feelings, put my hands on her hands, and asked how I could help. She pushed me away, fighting back the emotion even deeper and said “I got it”, a statement I have consistently heard come out of my mother’s mouth.  In that moment, I saw myself wanting to force and push my love on her. I wanted so badly for her to accept my love.  I chose not to push.  

I ended up leaving shortly after and sat in my car.  It all became so clear.  No wonder why I feel the need to push and force things in my life. The unavailable man, the path, or the thing I think that if I “get”, it will increase my happiness. Wow. This was big for me. I realized I have been so conditioned to prove my love to my mother, father, and sister.  In that moment, that awareness brought me to my knees. I don't want to do that to myself anymore. I want to learn and know that the way I love is perfect, and there is nothing I need to force or prove.  In that, I choose to trust that I am lovable enough and there is nothing I have to do more of to be loved.

Now, was this the first time I realized my "I am not worthy of love" Gremlin? NO.  It was a deeper layer of it though. With our deeper wounds, we peel back layer after layer, and some things, we may be peeling back for the rest of our lives.  One perspective to have is, "Shit really?  I thought I was done with this!"  That doesn't feel that good. The perspective I choose to have instead is, "I came into this lifetime to learn and know my worth and value.  This is showing up FOR me to deepen that knowing."

CAN YOU RELATE??

Complete this home play below and send it to me.  Let's set up a 15 minute free consult to see if I can support you on your journey of deeper healing.

Home Play

*Where in life do you notice you either push and force your way into things or people or push completely away?  They are the opposite side of the same coin. We learn different ways of coping and we either show up in excess or deficiently in order for feel safe. 

*Consider journaling out as much as you can around why you feel you show up that way. Where do you think it came from? How might this be a survival mechanism you integrated at some point in your life?

*Acknowledge and validate that part of you. You are doing the best you can and learning.  It's important to instead of push that part of us away and make it wrong, meet that part of us with compassion.  From that point, how would you rather show up? What would be a thought you would like to have in those situations that supports you?  How do you want to feel?

We have all been conditioned to protect ourselves, and those ways may no longer serve who we are in present time.  That said, it may be time to upgrade our computer. Why is it that we upgrade our phones, our cars, and other things, and then don't put the time or energy to upgrade our limiting beliefs?  Interesting huh?

Hey, you are worthy of love, you are whole, and you are complete.  Know that.  I love you. Thanks for being you.

Live from your Spirit, Love your life,

Valerie