When did we equate vulnerability with being unattractive?

As I consciously navigate through this new relationship, I have countless opportunities to witness the stories and deep patterns within myself.  I am actually fascinated by it all, especially the times I am able to respond from my Highest Self, more respectful of Kevin’s wants and needs, instead of reacting from my wounds. 

I began to realize my perception and belief of this ‘way of being’ equated it to: I am messy, needy, too emotional, too much, crazy and unattractive.  How’s that for self-love? Yikes!

When did we equate vulnerability with unattractive?  

Let me paint the picture… An important thing to note is an abandonment wound, which is common among people due to different experiences in life.  The way in which my life unfolded was with a father who left at two-years-old, a struggling single mom who used different negative vehicles to check out in order to deal with the constant pain she experienced in life, and a sister who wanted nothing to do with me.

The unconscious story that runs through me when it is triggered is: I am unworthy of being loved, one many people share in common. As I grew older, to follow suit and keep that self-harming story alive, I would choose men who were unavailable in some way.  In addition, time and time again, I would abandon myself by turning to alcohol, and then to men in my late teens, and later in my late twenties, over-working, over-exercising, and over-doing.

I continue to infiltrate myself with self-love tools, practicing and implementing them daily. Over time, I have witnessed new patterns of love, kindness and compassion toward myself. In turn, I have been inviting others in my life that reflect that  (Ahhh yes, like attracts like energy).

In having chosen to be single for the year before I met Kevin, I realize practicing alone was much ‘easier,’ meaning, no one who I loved, opened my heart to intimately, and allowed to see all of me, was around on a regular basis.  When I was single, I consistently practiced building this self-love muscle with friends and myself.  I reached a sense of deeper self-trust and acceptance I had not yet experienced in this lifetime. (Here’s when I do a little happy dance, for there is SO much importance in seeing how far we have come). 

Take a moment to watch the Connection Coach Tune-Up, where I explain my experience of the natural feelings that came up for me while allowing myself to open fully to someone, and have ALL of me visible. In this video, I speak about the rawness, the fear and my habitual tendencies to make myself really wrong, and then begin to choose different ways of being within the relationship.

Home Play:

What are your beliefs around being vulnerable, emotional, and having certain personal needs within a relationship? 

When you experience feelings of fear, shame, loss, grief, abandonment, or any other catabolic (negative) emotions, how wrong do you make yourself on a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being TOTALLY flawed)?

If you noticed there is the perception of being wrong, how do you express harshness to yourself?  Where is your focus? 

If you can relate on any level, whether you have shown up in a similar way or have experienced the receiving end, you are not alone. First, we are not taught how to be with our emotions and we are also taught that if we don’t show up in a certain light we are wrong.  We are learning more and more, that whatever energy we are experiencing externally or internally is what vibrates out into the world.  We are also learning that catabolic (negative energy) can lead to toxicity. Therefore, there is a huge price when we experience it (Internally or externally) over an extended period of time or frequently. 

This is a call toward self-love and tenderness. It’s time to love ourselves even when the wounds surface within relationship, when we feel emotional.  Uncertain of the how?  Lean in!  I feel extremely passionate around supporting people in navigating deep self-love and acceptance, so they can have thriving, fulfilling relationships.  Reach out for a 15-minute consult. You can also sign up NOW for the Sister Queen 12-week series we are offering beginning February 16th. There are only a few spots left, and it is going to be an amazing journey.  

I see you, I see your love and your beauty, even in the pain and fear. You are worthy. Know that.

With deep love and respect,

Val