How To Create An Incredible Relationship Through Authentic Surrendering

’The journey to enlightenment involves shedding, not collecting.  It’s a continual process of opening and surrender, like taking off layer after layer of clothes, until we’re completely naked with nothing to hide. But we can’t just pretend, making a big display of disrobing, then putting everything back on when no one’s looking.  Our surrender has to be genuine.’ ~Pema Chodron

For a long time I put out into the universe what I perceived I wanted in a partner. Along the way, as I became more intimately connected with myself and as I evolved, those desires became clearer.  At 41, having never been married, some people might look at my life and see it as if something was ‘wrong’. I can understand that, as it may differ from how a number of people operate.

In December 2014 I made a decision to be single for a while.  I had never truly been single for an extended period time…well actually, I couldn’t even remember the last time I was single for an extended period of time.  In my time as ‘officially single,’ I got even more clarity on what it was I wanted in a partner, peeling back more and more layers, seeing the areas where I had lowered the bar due to old beliefs that I didn’t deserve to be with a certain type of man.  In addition, I began to truly understand it wasn’t about finding a certain man, it was about becoming the kind of woman that would attract, honor and cherish the partner that I desired to share my life with. Furthermore, I fully accepted that I truly loved my life, while admitting and honoring simultaneously, ‘I am a relationship person!’ Could I spend the rest of my life single and be joyous and grateful?  I settled into an authentic ‘YES,’ feeling more trust than I had ever experienced. I also honored that I wanted to be in relationship, because for me, that is one of the greatest and most challenging gifts of being human, and a significant part of what I have devoted my life’s work to.

As I got more clear and became more loving and accepting of myself, the universe began to put certain men in front of me who embodied more and more of what I desired. Each time they walked in, I had the opportunity to practice living in what I consider ’The Divine Feminine.’ I practiced receiving their attention and adoration, something that I can’t say I had fully invited in before. I practiced accepting their ‘masculine way’ of showing up; without judging it, labeling it as wrong, trying to fix it, or engaging with it more masculine energy. I didn’t instantly fall in love with their potential,  instead I witnessed the ‘who they were in present time,' and practiced holding space for them AS they were. I began allowing myself to be lead; to be open, sensual, and graceful. These were things I hadn’t ever really embodied and with some of them, I hadn’t even dipped my toe in. I believed that if I did, I would lose myself.

Here’s a glimpse of where I previously usually operated from within relationships…I am curious if any of you can relate either on the giving or receiving end:  

I felt terrified of fully unveiling all of myself or letting my guard down. I would keep my ‘blinders on,’ only seeing what I wanted to see in him, and dismiss the areas where I didn’t have my needs met or the pieces that really didn’t ‘fit.’ Due to that, I decided ‘he will change', essentially falling in love with a guy’s potential, or my vision of that potential.  I wouldn’t express my full needs and then project or make him wrong because he wasn’t reading my mind. The times where I did speak to my needs, I would make him wrong for not meeting them in the way that I wanted. If there was any distance at all (which I know is necessary and healthy), I would give power to my monkey mind and feed the feeling of abandonment or the story that he didn’t love me anymore, instead of learning to be with myself. This would result in me either pushing him away or gripping him tighter.  

During this period where I had vowed to be single, I learned more about what I really desired in relationship.  While I was in Fiji in May, I met a man who was wonderful.  He showed me how important it was to me to feel honored, adored, and respected; qualities I had craved, yet hadn’t experienced.  In late summer, I met another wonderful man who helped me realize how much I appreciate play, spontaneity, a sense of adventure, emotional vulnerability, and authenticity.  I began practicing a new way of being with these self realizations. They are wonderful men and yes, there was so much that did work.  Although they both adored me and saw that I was much of what they wanted, it didn’t feel right.  In the past I would have tried to make it fit.  Instead, I trusted. I came to a deep understanding and acceptance that neither one was my guy and this was NOT a reflection of me not being good enough, lovable enough, pretty enough, smart enough. It just wasn’t my guy and I gave myself space to move the energy, to feel sad, to feel the loss of possibility.  I stayed with myself. I let myself feel all of it AND I chose to hold onto my dream; my desire of the man I had faith would one day come.  

Interestingly, whenever I would share what I wanted in a partner to people, a majority of the time I would get the response, ‘You should really consider taking things off of that list.’ Or…’You will not find a man who has all of that.’ Or…’That seems a bit ‘high,’ no?’  I heard all of that and committed to the beliefs I chose to take on when I was younger, ‘If I can imagine it, then it is possible. AND, if I exist, that means in all of the billions of people in this world, there must be a man who can meet me, share the lead, and we can grow together.’

In committing to my desires in a partner and for myself, and through more practicing of authentically surrendering and accepting myself, as well as trusting the unfoldment of my life; my man, my soul mate, found me.  Enter Kevin.

My intention of sharing this story with you, and the stories to come of the evolution of my relationship with Kevin, is to hopefully support you. (This applies to potentially most all relationships, not just intimate love relationships).  Relationships are a mirror for us to see aspects of ourselves where there is opportunity for healing. As Kevin and I see it, we are reprogramming ourselves to fully accept the Truth that we are worthy of having a thriving, loving, and beautiful relationship.  The journey within relationships is not always easy and something a majority of us were not taught how to do. In addition, we didn’t have healthy role models leading the way. Not that they were bad or wrong, mostly they just didn’t have the resources. 

My wish is to offer you support as you navigate through the relationships in your life, by offering you the tools I have collected for over 20 years of studying relationships, as well as learning from the choices I made that did NOT serve me. Kevin and I will be raw, transparent and vulnerable as we share with you our evolution. We believe these are key ingredients to creating outstanding relationships.  Please feel free to comment, share, and reach out to us!

Here’s to YOU having thriving, joyous, fueling relationships in life!

With deep love and respect,

Val