What Denotes A Failure?

I took a huge leap, landed and decided to completely change my course. Has that ever happened to you? Did you make a decision and allow yourself to change direction?  Or did you choose to forge on because you said you would?  What if one moment everything inside of you says YES, and then just a short time later it’s an intense HELL NO?

As most of you know, I recently picked my life up from a town of 12,00 people in Colorado and moved Chicago, a city of over 2.7 million. Lots of people scratched their head at my choice, yet every cell in my body was ready to do this.  I was craving to be in a larger community, have more choices, and expand my business.  The other question from people was, ‘Well, why not move back to Boulder?’  I had lived in Boulder for 14.5 years and decided that I had ‘been there, done that’, as well as deeper reasons. The answer at that time was definitely not Boulder, but something and somewhere new.

Five days before my retreat to India I packed up my life and moved Chicago.  Without time to really ‘land,’ I was on a plane headed east.  Each year India is transformational for me. This year, something happened that was deeper than ever. I was grounded in a way that reflected not only within the group, but also within my self.  I was the healthiest I had been in my ENTIRE life!  Huge statement to make, I get it, and it’s true. I have been working with some significant health challenges for many years, which worsened over the past two. It astounded me that in India I had come to a state of incredible health where it was reflected in my nails, hair, energy, mood, and many other aspects. 


When I returned, admittedly, I went into overdrive, complete overwhelm. Not only was it Thanksgiving, so my own emotions of the holiday came up, but I also was to turn around four days later with the final contents of my life, including my pup, and officially move to Chicago.  EVERY BONE IN MY BODY SAID NO.  WHAT? 

I was questioning everything. What felt so right only a month before now felt so very wrong.  I acknowledge the feelings with compassionate thoughts such as, ‘of course you feel that way. You are moving your life. It’s ok you feel that way.’  I continued on with the plan. I was using my resources, connecting with friends, journaling, coaching, yoga, and I was still massively wrapped up in my head.  The looming anxiety was overwhelming and affected my sleep, which in turn affected many other aspects of my life, and I got sick again.  

Once I arrived in Chicago, one thing after the other snowballed.  Without going into details, let’s just say all signs were pointing toward NO.  I watched thoughts of, ‘You are a failure.  You should have known better. You can’t change your mind now after the statement you made to the world. What am I going to do about my lease, my furniture?  What do I do now??!!’  The feelings of judgment, sadness, loss, chaos, fear, disappointment, disgrace, and failure bled through my veins. I knew I needed to shift this. I began to practice feelings and thoughts of gratitude for all that WAS working: My incredible friends who physically and emotionally held space for me, having Charlie (my pup) with me, my friend who drove out with me, my body, the fact it actually wasn’t snowing. In addition, I had four days before I picked up and headed off to Florida for eight days for an intensive with Tony Robbins, to which I almost cancelled, (Thank G-d I didn’t!) 

While the catabolic thoughts flooded in, I also had those subtle, gentle thoughts; 'This too shall pass.  The answer will be revealed.  You are going to be totally ok. This is all divinely orchestrated. Everything is happening in the perfect time and space sequence.’  Slowly, slowly, I created more space for these thoughts to enter. I breathed them in, I tried them on for longer periods of time and soon, they were the more dominant voices. I started to cultivate the feeling of trust and in that, answers began to come through.  

The answers?  It was time to go.  I was supposed to move to Chicago, and I was supposed to do it in the drastic manner I did. My interpretation?  After moving to the mountains, whenever I would visit Boulder I would feel frustrated and annoyed at all of the people and how busy the town was.  After Chicago, Boulder is a BREEZE. I got really clear that as much as I love the city, (and this has been a goal of mine for sometime), having a city as my home base year round does not work for my Spirit. I love nature, nature soothes me, it fuels me. And although the lake is there in Chicago, in the winter time I can let you know, that ain’t happenin’ :)  

I also truly feel that taking that leap actually was a catalyst for a few individuals who are now making significant changes in their life.  This is just a feeling, and to me, it feels entirely true, and I am so grateful.  Lastly, I feel I was to experience this in order to support others who either have to ‘change course’ or have in the past, yet feel guilt over it, as I have tremendous compassion and tools on discerning how to best navigate through the transition.

Home Play:

*Where in life have you decided to take a leap in an area of your life and are now feeling isn’t for you?

*On a scale of one to ten, how much are you experiencing the feelings of shame, disappointment, guilt, failure, or betrayal around wanting to change course?

*How are you discerning what is really best for you?  Is it just natural fear or are you really wishing to change course?

You do not have to do this alone!  Lean in!  As we step into this New Year, many of us are choosing to make resolutions, which can significantly alter our lives. It makes sense and can be transformational to feel doubt, worry and anxiety. Having tools and support is HUGE during this time.  Reach out for a 15 minute complimentary consult and let’s have a conversation of whether coaching is for you or not. You can also join in on the sensational offerings we have a VDA Coaching focusing on how to stay deeply connected with your Truth and manifest the life you truly desire.  

The one thing in life that’s constant is change…and you have EVERY right to change your mind!

With deep love and gratitude,